Suicide -- tragedy or relief?

Last night, as I was checking my email, I received a "breaking news" alert from my local newspaper which I subscribe to online & in paper form. Opening the article, I found that the body of a woman in her mid-30s had been discovered in Cook Inlet -- an apparent suicide. Busy with school work & not wanting to really think about something as depressing as a person taking their life when Spring is finally on its way here in Anchorage, I clicked the delete button & went about my business. This morning, walking into my first class of the day, I saw my baby sister sitting alone (unusual for her to say the least) & appearing deep in thought. Since I hadn't talk to her in a few days, I went up to give her a hug & chat for a few minutes.

The conversation started normally (wuz up sweetums?), turned toward the play she had written for her theatre class, & then, almost without warning, she says "And I'm sad because my good friend, H---, drove her Jeep off a cliff into the inlet yesterday. I was in shock -- the "breaking news" had been about a person I had met, albeit briefly, through my sister, who was an active church member, & who had two small children. As my sister provided more details, I kept thinking, why? Depression -- Yes. Drugs -- in the past. Other problems -- most definitely. But, why now? When the world seems to be breathing a deep sigh of relief after a long, hard winter -- why now? But then, why ever?

Just over a year ago, a friend of mine from school decided to end his life. 32 years ago, my grandfather chose to take his own life. Several other relatives of mine have attempted, some multiple times, to end their lives. I've been hospitalized under "suicide watch" twice as has my father. So, what am I getting to -- where is this all going? I'm not sure except that I find myself straddling a fence of sorts, one that sees suicide as a means to an end that brings, at least for the person committing the act, the end to the pain & struggle that has gone on, often, for years & years. I mean, is suicide all that different from finding out you have a terminal disease & chosing to allow the disease to take its course instead of going through chemotherapy or other methods meant to extend your life? We lost one of my aunts this week -- to aggressive lung cancer. She chose to live her life out, whatever time was left, without scientific intervention that would prolong the inevitable. Staying home, using ground up pain meds to get through those last hours, she died as she lived -- by her own will.

Life is a mystery to me yet it is one that I meet each day with a feeling of joy, even on days like today when the semester nears its end, I'm way behind in my writing process, I've got a head cold that just won't go away, & I'm catching a plane to Texas tonight to present at an international conference. The pain I have suffered in my past was difficult &, at the time it was happening, I was unsure I would get through it. Still, I persisted &, thank God, so did my family. I have a difficult time thinking of what might happen in my life that would convince me to decide to end things, to make death more welcome than life. But, & here it goes again, I have known people who suffered so greatly & for so long, with no familial support that the pain becomes more than they can handle. My sister's friend had a loving church family & children who loved her but it wasn't enough. What is enough?

It seems the more I think about this subject, the more confused I get. See, I think what my aunt chose to do was fine -- she had a right to live & die her way. Maybe the fact that she had a terminal disease made her decisions easier to accept -- I mean 8-12 weeks of living life as fully as possible or 6-8 months of chemo side effects, radiation burns, & still knowing you weren't going to see next Christmas. Suicide seems, at first glance, such a selfish thing to do. It seems such a slap in the face to those who loved the leaver, who gave their tears & hearts to supporting that person -- as if to say, "Sorry folks! You just didn't come up to muster so I'm out of here." I don't think that my friend, my sister's friend, or my grandfather would say, "Yes, that's why I did it." Instead, they would talk about the pain their were in for so long & how life became too difficult to bear. My grandfather & my sister's friend were Christians -- I believe that they called for Jesus at their final moment & I believe that Jesus came to them. Even my friend who didn't profess a love of Christ was held gently by the angels who stayed with him, so that he was not alone. I just wish there was some way I could tell these people that sticking around isn't such a bad idea. I'm one of those who wants to give the world a big hug & make it all better but I know I can't. All I can do is lend an ear, pray a prayer, and hope that those around me here me when I say, "Suicide may be a relief for you, in this moment, with this incredible pain -- but its permanent & the tragedy of your leaving will forever affect those who remain. Say awhile, rest awhile. Let tomorrow be the day you choose your final destiny but for now -- let it go."